What You Do Comes Back to You
Colossians 3:18-4:1
If you do right or wrong, you will be paid back in kind.
Study no. 8
This section start right in with 'Wives …. and then in verse 19 with 'Husbands …. etc. We are going to save the best for last and go to verse 20.
Children obey your parents. Apparently this was a necessary instruction even back in those days. Paul, in writing to Timothy says that in the last days1 …. children will be disobedient to parents. That means … if we are living in the last days … everything that Paul says here about children obeying their parents can probably be multiplied by two.
In Ephesians 6:1-3 Paul quotes this old testament verse: Ex 20:12 ¶ "Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. This is called 'The first commandment with a promise”.
In our Colossians verse we read that God is well pleased when children obey their parents. It appears He honours such obedience with long life. But it would not be fair to leave it there. There might another meaning.
Can you imagine this kind of parenting?
Your boy lays around, does not lift a finger to help with anything, gets into some alcohol or worse substance and you are at your wits end. … so you go talk to the elders about it. They say brother , calm down … it could not be as bad as all that. It is!, you insist. OK, the elders say, why don't you bring him here in the morning. We'll talk to the boy.
You are pretty big and strong yourself, you grab your boy by the arm and shoulder and say, Let's go! You bring him up to where the elders are sitting … shove your boy into the group. They ask you to take a seat. They talk to him for a long time. Then they look at each other. There is a simple nod … they turn to you and say … Kill him.
Take a poll on the number of rebellious sons … now there is one less.
Ex 21:15 "Anyone who attacks his father or his mother must be put to death.
Ex 21:17 "Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.
Deuteronomy 21:18 ¶ If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town.
20 They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard."
21 Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.
What was the promise? … obey your parents and you will live long on the earth? This verse might be promising health and longevity, but for sure it is saying, Obey your parents ...and we won't kill you.
My girls mother and I believed in and practiced corporal correction. What we read about here is corporal punishment.
Verse 21 needs to be taken together with verse 20. Fathers, do not provoke (embitter – NIV) your children, or they will become discouraged (broken in spirit). We can repeat the command to our children … You are supposed to obey us! But before we do that we need to look at ourselves. Is our parenting style such that our children are being broken in spirit.
What is the difference between breaking a spirit and breaking a will? When a child is headstrong and willful, like an 'unbroken horse' we are talking about what a child does. When we refer to the spirit, we are talking about what the child is. In the above verses, the young man who is stoned to death by the people is one who is called stubborn and rebellious. That has to do with an 'unbroken will'. When we speak to our children about what they are … for example …
You idiot! You dummy! How can you be so stupid! You fool! You retard! … and a whole bunch of other choice names that I could never mention here … we are speaking right to their spirit. This is crushing. This is discouraging. They may even start believing that they will never amount to anything. This makes them think … What's the use?
Instead we speak to their spirit and say … You are smarter than that! You know better! They know that we are talking about their behaviour … and we are affirming that they are not stupid.
So when it comes to parents and obedient children, our children must realize that we respect who they are, we love them for who they are. Their spirit must always be affirmed … but their wills need to be shaped.
Children have a hard time arguing with a father who, while disciplining his child, says, You have disobeyed a clear instruction of God. You know very well He says, You shall not steal. Your mother and I have taught you that it is wrong morally and biblically to steal. I am going to administer the agreed on penalty for what you did. Then we are going to kneel here and ask God's forgiveness for what you did. You are also going to make amends for what you did.
Trembling, your child is pleading … but I learned my lesson! It will never happen again! As a father you quietly say, I really hope you have … but I have to obey God too. If I do not correct you, I will be disobeying Him. Sorry … we have to do this.
After it is done … the prayer of confession is over … the father says, Come here son. And gives him a big, long hug.
What does the child take away from this? My dad does not want me to steal. God does not want me to steal. Dad loves me. God loves me.
Does this really work? Maybe sometime you will have the opportunity to ask my daughters if it worked.
Verses 22 – 4:1 This section begins with the word 'slaves'. Other translations use the word 'servants'. In our own setting we will use the word 'employees'. (Sometimes it feels a bit like we are slaves, right?)
The principles still apply. When we work at our jobs, according to this, God is not only watching … but rewarding us for the way in which we serve our employers. So when we take home our NET paycheck … that's not all there is. There will be a (huge) bonus check at the final end of our shift.
Bosses have a 'payday' of their own coming. A Christian boss can in no way expect his Christian employee to start earlier, stay longer, work hard than any 'regular' employee (After all, he ought to set a christian example!) Not only would this boss receive no bonus cheque, but verse 25 reminds him that God will even settle up with him if he is not treating his employees with respect. (It sounds like 4:1 is implying that this boss is a Christian. Just in case your boss is not a Christian, better not remind him that he too has a boss in heaven. He may not be your boss anymore if you do that.)
Now back to verse 18
Wives are told to submit to their husbands … with a qualifier. 'As is fitting in the Lord'. Husbands are told to love … with the added statement to 'not be bitter2' toward them.
Here are some simple truths regarding spousal relationships.
A wife wants genuine love from her husband. She wants loving protection and provision. This is a very simple statement and it in no way is complete. But this is foundational.
A man wants … what? A wife who submits to his decisions? That is what seems to be implied here. By drawing in another verse from Paul we see that a larger word, one that over-arches submission, is put forward for us to look at.
Eph 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
If you noticed the word 'respect' you saw the right word. Whatever submitting a wife does in a relationship comes under the word respect. For a man to feel complete as a man he wants and needs respect.
I want to take a moment to clear up something that is very easy to miss.
If you know anything about English grammar, ask yourself this question about verse 20. To whom is Paul speaking? To children, right? Clearly it does not say … Fathers, tell your children it is the command of God that they obey their parents. No. Paul is addressing the children …. first-hand. Does this mean that we parents can't use this verse to club our children into obedience? You got it! The picture here is very, very foggy for our generation. How are we going to get our kids to read the bible and to read this verse for themselves? I did. Why did I read the Bible? It was a modeled behaviour. In our home the bible was clearly esteemed as the absolute highest of all authority. My parents lived by it. They loved God and His word. I wanted that.
So in most of our situations … for a child to read the Word means going to a plan B. We have simply blown it. Our children have seen our priorities. In some cases we modeled how to accumulate wealth and treasure things. How to make it to the top of the heap that is called “success”. How to sacrifice everything for the 'career'. In some cases, presenting the very finest of a reputation was number one. In many cases children saw more of day care workers than they did of us.
What is plan B? It is humbly calling your child who is not presently following God and sincerely apologizing to them. Katie … we love you and we always have, but we failed you miserably. No, don't interrupt, let me finish. We gave you a lousy example to follow. Yes we cared for you and gave you 'everything you needed' but what we did not give you is so much greater. You needed to see a mom and a dad who lived by and loved God's Word. A mom and dad who lived for God no matter what neighbors and relatives might think. A mom and dad who got by without the second job so that they could live their Godly values every day with you. We have finally come back to God. Yes, we were called Christians all along … but we were not truly Godly. Now we see our mistake. Is it too late for us to seek God together?
(I have to add here that parents who have 'done everything right' in their parenting, have treated all their children equally, have held the word of God in highest esteem and lovingly lived by His Word ... have had a child who chose not to follow. They are individuals and, as such, have the freedom of choice. Only time or eternity will tell 'what they were thinking' when they walked away from God,)
And verse 18 … to whom is Paul speaking? To husbands … giving them a verse so that they can tell their wives to submit to them? Wrong. God does not have to go through the man to talk to the wife. He speaks directly and says, “Wives, etc. ...”
So Wives are you reading this and hearing God speak to you? Husbands, God speaks to you personally.
And just what is God saying?
What is God saying to the wives?
Is He asking quietly, “Do you feel a bit unloved by your husband? Does he sound a little bitter sometimes when he speaks to you or answers you? Have you any idea what makes him bitter? He really wants your respect … have you been a little stingy on that lately? Try respecting the louse even when you know he does not deserve it. He probably won't change right away. He may be a bit suspicious. Meanwhile, I will talk with him about this.”
Husbands … you know God is saying “Do not be bitter”. Do you hear him saying is a small voice in your head, “You thought you could obey by saying 'OK, I'm over it. I'm not bitter any more.' but you found out it did not work. You are still bitter. Your wife wants to be loved … but it seems all you get is sarcasm and disrespect. She used to encourage you … she doesn't now. Why is that? Is she a different person from the one you married? No … she's really the same. What has changed? Could it be that in your bitterness of heart she has not felt loved? She longs for that. It is time to re-invest in her life … even if you are bitter. When you begin to show her real love … I will take the bitterness out of your own heart. She will begin respecting you again, but it may be a while. Get ready for the long haul.
“Men (God is still asking)… you think you originally 'fell in love'? And you think now you have fallen out of love … and there is nothing you can do about it? I invented love … and I say that it is something you do … not something you fall into or fall out of. So I put it into my 10 commandments … Thou shalt love (remember?) By the way do you know how to do that? Take a look at what I wrote by Peter's hand:
1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
OK I am going to quit speaking for God. I chose the old King James for a reason. See the underlined verse above? That is the word 'gnosis' in the original Greek language of the New Testament. Various translations have tried to put a different spin on it. It simply means knowledge. That means there is something for you men to learn about your wife as you live her. She is not a possession that you acquired, shoved her into her place and said .. Woman … cook! Clean!
So what is there to learn? Check out the christian books online or in a book store. There are thousands of books that can teach a man all about a woman. Well, not ALL about. You will never be able to learn that. But a very good book (for both men and women) is the one called The Five Love Languages.3
Wives, (Husbands too,)you would do well to read a book called Love and Respect4. You will learn about the power of unconditional respect in a manner you may never have considered previously.
Col 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,
24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
25 Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favouritism.
What we do does come back to us. Jesus said 'Lay up your treasures in Heaven'. But He also said, 'Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.'
Men … invest a treasure into your wife (A treasure of time, thought, money, creativity) … your heart will be there also. Bitterness will leave. Respect will come back to you. But more than that, you will be serving the Lord. He will issue the bonus.
Women – when you respect your husband unconditionally you are investing in him. Your heart will follow. And God takes note and has a special reward for you.
1 2 Timothy 3:1 ¶ But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.
2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents,
ungrateful, unholy,
3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,
4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--
5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
2 By the way, every other translation that I checked except NIV uses the word bitter. NIV uses the word harsh. The original Greek scripture uses a word that clearly means bitter … even to the extent that the primary definition in the list has to do with bitter taste. I think a bitter person can act out harshly and in that sense the word 'harsh' would be OK. But it is also possible to be bitter in attitude and mind and never say a harsh word. So I am going to rule out the NIV in this case.
3 The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary D. Chapman Kindle Edition CDN$ 9.99
4Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Kindle Edition CDN$ 4.99
If you do right or wrong, you will be paid back in kind.
Study no. 8
This section start right in with 'Wives …. and then in verse 19 with 'Husbands …. etc. We are going to save the best for last and go to verse 20.
Children obey your parents. Apparently this was a necessary instruction even back in those days. Paul, in writing to Timothy says that in the last days1 …. children will be disobedient to parents. That means … if we are living in the last days … everything that Paul says here about children obeying their parents can probably be multiplied by two.
In Ephesians 6:1-3 Paul quotes this old testament verse: Ex 20:12 ¶ "Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. This is called 'The first commandment with a promise”.
In our Colossians verse we read that God is well pleased when children obey their parents. It appears He honours such obedience with long life. But it would not be fair to leave it there. There might another meaning.
Can you imagine this kind of parenting?
Your boy lays around, does not lift a finger to help with anything, gets into some alcohol or worse substance and you are at your wits end. … so you go talk to the elders about it. They say brother , calm down … it could not be as bad as all that. It is!, you insist. OK, the elders say, why don't you bring him here in the morning. We'll talk to the boy.
You are pretty big and strong yourself, you grab your boy by the arm and shoulder and say, Let's go! You bring him up to where the elders are sitting … shove your boy into the group. They ask you to take a seat. They talk to him for a long time. Then they look at each other. There is a simple nod … they turn to you and say … Kill him.
Take a poll on the number of rebellious sons … now there is one less.
Ex 21:15 "Anyone who attacks his father or his mother must be put to death.
Ex 21:17 "Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.
Deuteronomy 21:18 ¶ If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town.
20 They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard."
21 Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.
What was the promise? … obey your parents and you will live long on the earth? This verse might be promising health and longevity, but for sure it is saying, Obey your parents ...and we won't kill you.
My girls mother and I believed in and practiced corporal correction. What we read about here is corporal punishment.
Verse 21 needs to be taken together with verse 20. Fathers, do not provoke (embitter – NIV) your children, or they will become discouraged (broken in spirit). We can repeat the command to our children … You are supposed to obey us! But before we do that we need to look at ourselves. Is our parenting style such that our children are being broken in spirit.
What is the difference between breaking a spirit and breaking a will? When a child is headstrong and willful, like an 'unbroken horse' we are talking about what a child does. When we refer to the spirit, we are talking about what the child is. In the above verses, the young man who is stoned to death by the people is one who is called stubborn and rebellious. That has to do with an 'unbroken will'. When we speak to our children about what they are … for example …
You idiot! You dummy! How can you be so stupid! You fool! You retard! … and a whole bunch of other choice names that I could never mention here … we are speaking right to their spirit. This is crushing. This is discouraging. They may even start believing that they will never amount to anything. This makes them think … What's the use?
Instead we speak to their spirit and say … You are smarter than that! You know better! They know that we are talking about their behaviour … and we are affirming that they are not stupid.
So when it comes to parents and obedient children, our children must realize that we respect who they are, we love them for who they are. Their spirit must always be affirmed … but their wills need to be shaped.
Children have a hard time arguing with a father who, while disciplining his child, says, You have disobeyed a clear instruction of God. You know very well He says, You shall not steal. Your mother and I have taught you that it is wrong morally and biblically to steal. I am going to administer the agreed on penalty for what you did. Then we are going to kneel here and ask God's forgiveness for what you did. You are also going to make amends for what you did.
Trembling, your child is pleading … but I learned my lesson! It will never happen again! As a father you quietly say, I really hope you have … but I have to obey God too. If I do not correct you, I will be disobeying Him. Sorry … we have to do this.
After it is done … the prayer of confession is over … the father says, Come here son. And gives him a big, long hug.
What does the child take away from this? My dad does not want me to steal. God does not want me to steal. Dad loves me. God loves me.
Does this really work? Maybe sometime you will have the opportunity to ask my daughters if it worked.
Verses 22 – 4:1 This section begins with the word 'slaves'. Other translations use the word 'servants'. In our own setting we will use the word 'employees'. (Sometimes it feels a bit like we are slaves, right?)
The principles still apply. When we work at our jobs, according to this, God is not only watching … but rewarding us for the way in which we serve our employers. So when we take home our NET paycheck … that's not all there is. There will be a (huge) bonus check at the final end of our shift.
Bosses have a 'payday' of their own coming. A Christian boss can in no way expect his Christian employee to start earlier, stay longer, work hard than any 'regular' employee (After all, he ought to set a christian example!) Not only would this boss receive no bonus cheque, but verse 25 reminds him that God will even settle up with him if he is not treating his employees with respect. (It sounds like 4:1 is implying that this boss is a Christian. Just in case your boss is not a Christian, better not remind him that he too has a boss in heaven. He may not be your boss anymore if you do that.)
Now back to verse 18
Wives are told to submit to their husbands … with a qualifier. 'As is fitting in the Lord'. Husbands are told to love … with the added statement to 'not be bitter2' toward them.
Here are some simple truths regarding spousal relationships.
A wife wants genuine love from her husband. She wants loving protection and provision. This is a very simple statement and it in no way is complete. But this is foundational.
A man wants … what? A wife who submits to his decisions? That is what seems to be implied here. By drawing in another verse from Paul we see that a larger word, one that over-arches submission, is put forward for us to look at.
Eph 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
If you noticed the word 'respect' you saw the right word. Whatever submitting a wife does in a relationship comes under the word respect. For a man to feel complete as a man he wants and needs respect.
I want to take a moment to clear up something that is very easy to miss.
If you know anything about English grammar, ask yourself this question about verse 20. To whom is Paul speaking? To children, right? Clearly it does not say … Fathers, tell your children it is the command of God that they obey their parents. No. Paul is addressing the children …. first-hand. Does this mean that we parents can't use this verse to club our children into obedience? You got it! The picture here is very, very foggy for our generation. How are we going to get our kids to read the bible and to read this verse for themselves? I did. Why did I read the Bible? It was a modeled behaviour. In our home the bible was clearly esteemed as the absolute highest of all authority. My parents lived by it. They loved God and His word. I wanted that.
So in most of our situations … for a child to read the Word means going to a plan B. We have simply blown it. Our children have seen our priorities. In some cases we modeled how to accumulate wealth and treasure things. How to make it to the top of the heap that is called “success”. How to sacrifice everything for the 'career'. In some cases, presenting the very finest of a reputation was number one. In many cases children saw more of day care workers than they did of us.
What is plan B? It is humbly calling your child who is not presently following God and sincerely apologizing to them. Katie … we love you and we always have, but we failed you miserably. No, don't interrupt, let me finish. We gave you a lousy example to follow. Yes we cared for you and gave you 'everything you needed' but what we did not give you is so much greater. You needed to see a mom and a dad who lived by and loved God's Word. A mom and dad who lived for God no matter what neighbors and relatives might think. A mom and dad who got by without the second job so that they could live their Godly values every day with you. We have finally come back to God. Yes, we were called Christians all along … but we were not truly Godly. Now we see our mistake. Is it too late for us to seek God together?
(I have to add here that parents who have 'done everything right' in their parenting, have treated all their children equally, have held the word of God in highest esteem and lovingly lived by His Word ... have had a child who chose not to follow. They are individuals and, as such, have the freedom of choice. Only time or eternity will tell 'what they were thinking' when they walked away from God,)
And verse 18 … to whom is Paul speaking? To husbands … giving them a verse so that they can tell their wives to submit to them? Wrong. God does not have to go through the man to talk to the wife. He speaks directly and says, “Wives, etc. ...”
So Wives are you reading this and hearing God speak to you? Husbands, God speaks to you personally.
And just what is God saying?
What is God saying to the wives?
Is He asking quietly, “Do you feel a bit unloved by your husband? Does he sound a little bitter sometimes when he speaks to you or answers you? Have you any idea what makes him bitter? He really wants your respect … have you been a little stingy on that lately? Try respecting the louse even when you know he does not deserve it. He probably won't change right away. He may be a bit suspicious. Meanwhile, I will talk with him about this.”
Husbands … you know God is saying “Do not be bitter”. Do you hear him saying is a small voice in your head, “You thought you could obey by saying 'OK, I'm over it. I'm not bitter any more.' but you found out it did not work. You are still bitter. Your wife wants to be loved … but it seems all you get is sarcasm and disrespect. She used to encourage you … she doesn't now. Why is that? Is she a different person from the one you married? No … she's really the same. What has changed? Could it be that in your bitterness of heart she has not felt loved? She longs for that. It is time to re-invest in her life … even if you are bitter. When you begin to show her real love … I will take the bitterness out of your own heart. She will begin respecting you again, but it may be a while. Get ready for the long haul.
“Men (God is still asking)… you think you originally 'fell in love'? And you think now you have fallen out of love … and there is nothing you can do about it? I invented love … and I say that it is something you do … not something you fall into or fall out of. So I put it into my 10 commandments … Thou shalt love (remember?) By the way do you know how to do that? Take a look at what I wrote by Peter's hand:
1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
OK I am going to quit speaking for God. I chose the old King James for a reason. See the underlined verse above? That is the word 'gnosis' in the original Greek language of the New Testament. Various translations have tried to put a different spin on it. It simply means knowledge. That means there is something for you men to learn about your wife as you live her. She is not a possession that you acquired, shoved her into her place and said .. Woman … cook! Clean!
So what is there to learn? Check out the christian books online or in a book store. There are thousands of books that can teach a man all about a woman. Well, not ALL about. You will never be able to learn that. But a very good book (for both men and women) is the one called The Five Love Languages.3
Wives, (Husbands too,)you would do well to read a book called Love and Respect4. You will learn about the power of unconditional respect in a manner you may never have considered previously.
Col 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,
24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
25 Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favouritism.
What we do does come back to us. Jesus said 'Lay up your treasures in Heaven'. But He also said, 'Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.'
Men … invest a treasure into your wife (A treasure of time, thought, money, creativity) … your heart will be there also. Bitterness will leave. Respect will come back to you. But more than that, you will be serving the Lord. He will issue the bonus.
Women – when you respect your husband unconditionally you are investing in him. Your heart will follow. And God takes note and has a special reward for you.
1 2 Timothy 3:1 ¶ But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.
2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents,
ungrateful, unholy,
3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,
4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--
5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
2 By the way, every other translation that I checked except NIV uses the word bitter. NIV uses the word harsh. The original Greek scripture uses a word that clearly means bitter … even to the extent that the primary definition in the list has to do with bitter taste. I think a bitter person can act out harshly and in that sense the word 'harsh' would be OK. But it is also possible to be bitter in attitude and mind and never say a harsh word. So I am going to rule out the NIV in this case.
3 The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary D. Chapman Kindle Edition CDN$ 9.99
4Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Kindle Edition CDN$ 4.99